Hyacinthe Thistlethorp is a witch who was supposedly burned at the stake in 1692. In actuality, she called on the tree spirits to protect her until someone thrice uttered her name. That someone turned out to be Merton, who used her name in making up a fake girlfriend so Chuck would drop the issue of him not having one.

To repay him for saving her, she becomes Merton's girlfriend, but she's a little more into the relationship than he is. She's extremely controlling, and it turns out she was burned at the stake because her 9 ex-boyfriends back in the 17th century had all ended up dead! She murdered them all violently for breaking up with her.

When Chuck wants her to date him and hits on her, she casts a spell on him to make him silent until it wears off. She casts a spell on Merton to prevent him from leaving, to make him tell only the truth, and to change his entire style (including giving him a beard and no mustache).

Sacrificial rituals are important to her. She knows, as Tommy put it, "broom-fu", starts calling Merton "Merzekial", and is so jealous of Lori and Merton's closeness she ties Lori to a stake, fully intending to burn her to death.

Hyacinthe Thistlethorp is very powerful and is immortal

Tommy neutralized her powers with witch hazel and said a spell that sent her back to her tree.


The actress who plays this character is Marianne Farley. Marianne Farley also played the unnamed female Spider Person in Pleased to Eat You.


  • Gruesomely killing all 9 of her ex-boyfriends for breaking up with her
  • Tying herself to a tree
  • Creating a blast of fire from her fingertips
  • Freezing Merton in place and turning him around
  • Removing Chuck's voice
From east to north,
From north to south,
Remove all words
From this fool's mouth.
So mote it be.
  • Merton's beard (no mustache) and 17th century attire
  • Moving the bowling ball from the gutter back into the lane
  • Changing her outfit
  • Truth spell cast on Merton
Spirits of the future,
Spirits of my youth,
From this moment on,
Merton only speaks the truth.
So mote it be.
  • Escaping when Tommy transforms in front of her, and appearing near Lori
  • Lighting a torch on fire
  • Sending an invitation of Lori's witch burning to Merton


Interested in HerEdit



From the flower called a "hyacinth" and the plant called a "thistle". According to, a hyacinth symbolizes sport or play. Wikipedia says that "the wounding or provocation of a thistle yields punishment". Pretty apt name, then.

There is also a town in Quebec called Saint-Hyacinthe.